My Journal

First off, I can't believe I made it through another year of school. I'm now officially a college senior which is absolutely crazy looking back on it all and seeing how far I've come.

This school year to me is such a blur. It seems like just yesterday that I was contemplating not going back to school in the school in the fall to be with my family through everything. I'm really glad I stuck it out and made my way through the year although everyday I thought of Shawn and how much I miss him. I still do miss him terribly and sometimes I still cry. It hasn't quite been a year yet since he's been gone. Coming home brings back so many memories. I know he is proud of me up there for another year completed of college. He always was proud of me.

It's crazy how being around home again brings back so many memories. I've only been home for a few days but I've had memories triggered from years and years ago just in that small amount of time. There are just so many memories here... both good and bad. I remember my grandparents living here with us. It's been less than two years since Grandpa passed away. And Grandma doesn't remember me anymore, she's in an Alzheimer's unit in Burlington. And then going in those same rooms triggers memories of Shawn and his passing. To this day it doesn't seem real. Two nights ago at dinner I almost caught myself asking if Shawn was going to come home for dinner tonight. I still can't believe that went through my mind. Then I went to the pond yesterday to go for a run. So many memories surround there. When I was little Grandpa used to take me down there to feed the ducks... I ran past the house that was once in our family for over 100 years and remember the past down to the smallest detail. One of these days I'd really like to go into that house and see how it is... however, I think it would proabbly only upset me. It looks good though, the new owners are keeping it well. And then at the pond I think of Shawn. I know many times he went for walks there with his lovely fiance. I can't even imagine how she is doing even though I hang out with her often. Being in love myself, I wouldn't ever want to picture myself in her position losing the love of her life.

So many memories, so many good times, so many bad times. It really kills me inside. I still have yet to go in his room in some time now but it's still there with the majority of his things that none of us can seem to fathom throwing out or cleaning. I guess in a few years we will eventually have to do it.

I am very lucky to have the family I have, the friends that I have, and the boyfriend that I have. We all help each other through tough times. I guess I'm going to have to be used to being home again. I haven't been home for longer than a month since Shawn's passing. Now I have a whole summer here ahead of me. Hopefully I become more used to the memories surrounding me. I know I'll make it through... I always do.

15 things I wish I could say to you.

1. List fifteen things you wish you could say to people but can't.
2. Don't say who they are.
3. Never discuss it again.


1. You are someone that I have always looked up to ever since I was little. I always wanted to be just like you. You were always the one I turned to whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on or any kind of advice. You were my best friend. I cannot explain to you how terrible it felt to see you go through with all that pain and suffering every day and not have the power to just make it all go away. However, it made me extremely happy to see you still smiling and joking around through everything. You are the strongest person I have ever met. You are truly inspiring. You also are one of the most knowledgeable people I’ve ever known, and I always loved listening to what you had to say... I always valued your opinion above all others. I’m really glad you got the chance to fall in love with the girl of your dreams. I have to admit I was jealous of you spending all your time with her at first but I’ve grown to realize how amazing she actually was and is today. Seeing your face light up every time she called was an uplifting image I will remember forever. I hope that you watch out for me and the rest of the family while you’re up there. Until we meet again, I will continue to miss you and think about you every day. I love you.

2. You are a determined, goal oriented person. And although you think you will be set for life, I believe that your confusion and indecisiveness in important matters will hinder your success. It’s annoying when you tell someone you’ll call them and you never do. You are a good friend and I wish you the best but I do believe you need to figure yourself out before you try figuring out where your life is headed. You give a lot of advice, and it’s nice that you’re there for people… but your advice really isn’t that great. You do not know as much as you think you do.

3. You have the potential of being a very genuine, whole-hearted, charming man. I feel sorry for what you have gone through, although I wish I could teach you different strategies of getting through problems. I hate that you smoke, drink, and do drugs all the time. I hate the way your family treats you. However, I do believe that you are stronger than you think you are. I can’t even explain to you how upset it made me when you talked about killing yourself, and even worse when I heard you actually tried. Recently, I have seen huge improvements in your attitude towards life and it makes me really happy to see that. I wish our friendship could be the same as it was before. I care for you very much and I’m very proud of you for how far you’ve come.

4. I miss you. You were the nicest, funniest, sweetest girl I’ve ever met. Through it all you always stayed so strong and cheerful. I’ll never forget that time when I had mono and you made me a get well card, when in fact, you were the one constantly suffering. I really look up to you. I hope that wherever you are, you can see how much you are still loved and missed. I still sleep with “Hope” every night. I truly believe you are an angel watching over us all.

5. You are extremely intelligent, to the point in which you are completely bored in school. You need to be challenged more academically but I know you will as time goes on so I’m not worried. I don’t like that you are taller than me now because you are supposed to be the little one in the family. I worry about you sometimes knowing all the hard things you’ve been through at such a young age. You are very pessimistic and some of the comments you make, make me upset. I wish I could cheer you up and make you a happier person and more optimistic about life. You are spoiled and you know it. You need to learn how to help out more around the house. Either way, I love you very much and as much as I get annoyed when you continuously punch me and follow me around, I really do love spending time with you. I am extremely proud of all your accomplishments.

6. I don’t know how you treated them that way and got away with it. I hope you don’t treat the new ones like you treated them. From what I hear, you are an awful person. I really don’t want anything to do with you. If I never met you face to face I would be happy. I don’t understand how such shitty people like you get to live.

7. You completely confuse me. Everything you say is contradictory of past conversations and actions you’ve taken. I can’t believe how many times you’ve ripped my heart apart. You are extremely good at deceiving others and that scares me. It scares me how you had complete hold of me for so long that it blinded me. I hate that I still think about you all the time despite how shitty you’ve treated me in the past. You stole a piece of my heart when you left and I’ve never quite been the same. I know more than you think I do and someday you’ll be likely to find out. I don’t understand how someone with such miniscule problems can be so unstable. You do not know how to be alone, and unless you figure that out you are going to end up unhappy with someone for the rest of your life. Someday at my wedding, when they ask the audience for anyone with reason why the couple should not be wed, no one in the audience will answer, but you will burst in the door and protest the marriage. It’s too late… nice try.

8. I never thought I could have such a strong dislike for a person. I hate how you treated me, I hate what you did to me, and I hate how you continue to make everything a big show even when I want absolutely nothing to do with you. You need to grow up and get over yourself, you are a disgrace.

9. You are an amazing person; however, I worry about you. I’ve come to realize that our priorities in life are much different than mine. I feel as if you play a lot of games and can never make up your mind. It’s important that although indecisive you still use your common sense when deciding issues of importance. You have a photographic memory which is cool for now, but it’s only going to get you so far in life. You are beautiful and all the guys want you. However, I worry about your eating habits many times. You worry too much about eating and working out when in reality you could use a few extra pounds. You’re competitiveness is out of control and you are way to hard on yourself. You need to learn how to calm down and enjoy the little things in life. Overall, you are a great person and friend.

10. You really mean the world to me. I can’t even put into words how lucky I feel every day to have you as such a big part of my life. You are extremely intelligent and strive to achieve all your dreams and I love that about you. You are a wholehearted individual; however, I wish you would show everyone how wonderful and caring you really are. You try too hard to hold up a certain reputation and in doing so you shield the real you, which in reality is much more attractive. You can be cocky but sometimes you are very insecure about yourself which I do not understand. Your thoughts and decisions are very random and inconsistent many times which can get quite confusing. I believe you are capable of more things than you imagine. You need to find a way to focus all that knowledge on something very useful. In doing this, I believe you will be extremely successful. I never imagined being here with you today. I love you very much and I still think you are kind of crazy… but I’m okay with that. I’ve never been so in love with someone, and if that feeling never went away that would be okay with me.

11. I never imagined having a friend as great as you. Although there have been times when you drove me crazy with your antisocial ways, I have seen you progress as an individual in ways that I used to find unimaginable. I’m very proud that you’ve come to realize your weaknesses and worked hard to improve on them. You are very intelligent. I am extremely thankful to have someone like you in my life. I don’t know where I would be without you. Although I may not know exactly who I am going to marry, I do know that someday you will be my maid of honor.

12. I really wish we could talk again like civilized human beings. I still cannot comprehend what happened between us… all I know is that is turned out to be a terrible mess. I regret the fact that I listened so much to others in making decisions involving you, I was not following my heart and I apologize for that. I’m sorry I hurt you but I still cannot understand how you would think of me as so low as you do. It hurts. I hope someday our friendship will get patched up; however, I’ve come to realize that that is probably not ever going to happen. Either way, I want you to know that I’m proud of you. You are a very strong individual.

13. You are a very fun and crazy person. I don’t know anyone quite like you. I’m glad we remain friends after all these years. Although we don’t hang out too much I consider you to be one of my best friends. I have to admit that sometimes I worry a lot about you. You make a lot of bad decisions and somehow seem to always get away with them. You are very lucky but I believe that one day you will not be so lucky and I am scared for that moment. I think you need to respect yourself a little more and gain some self-confidence. You have many positive qualities that make many people like you, I wish that someday you will be able to realize that on your own.

14. You are funny as hell and I love hanging out with you. The only word I can think to describe you as is ‘ridiculous.’ Although sometimes you go overboard with the crass remarks and dirty jokes, I think you are very funny and enjoy your company. We’ve had our weird moments and I think that is really funny as well. I feel bad that so many people treat you like shit because you really don’t deserve that. You obsess too much on girls and finding the perfect person. I believe the perfect person is going to walk into your life one day when you least expect it…. and when that happens I will say, “I told you so” and you will laugh. You work so hard for everything in life and it makes you a very respectable individual. I’ve always looked up to you and your intelligent ways you deal with your difficult family situations even if you didn’t always show your knowledge in school. Your genuine heart makes you a very admirable person.

15. Sometimes you can seem like a bad influence on me, but in reality I think you’re awesome. You’re so much fun and I can always count on talking to you. I like that you are able to show emotion even if it is only a little bit. I’m really glad we’ve gotten closer the past few years. It makes me really happy to have someone like you to look up to and love. We’ve been through so much. Hopefully the bad days are over and we can continue to hang out and have fun while attempting to get our lives back in order for the first time in years. I love you very much.

Here's to a new year... 2008. So much happened in 2007, it has to get better from here.

So today is Christmas... our first Christmas without Shawn. Last night was our annual Christmas Eve party and it went well I guess. Seeemed to be a lot quieter and a lot less people than usual. A tremendous amount of change has happened since last Christmas (not necessary good change either). Last night ended with my brother and his wife and I leaving the video games to go to bed around 1:30am... this morning began with Marc awakening me at 5:30am like Christmas tradition. Usually what happens is Marc wakes me up and together we wake up Shawn. It was immediate disappointment from the second waking up and realizing that Shawn wasn't here anymore. Marc and I, however, almost without saying a word, walked into Shawn's room, got his urn, and took him downstairs with us to open stockings. We tried as hard as we could to keep up all Christmas traditions although it was extremely hard and emotionally exhausting. Regardless, considering the fact that we all spent way more money on each other than we used to in order to make this Christmas feel somewhat better, it ended up being a positive experience. It was really nice to be with my parents, Marc, Bill and Steph and enjoy Christmas morning together. Throughout all this day (as most days) I have been thinking of Shawn and missing him dearly. I wish to somehow reach out and speak to him.

On a completely different note I've been thinking a lot about my current relationship. Not having talked to him much for the past four days or so makes me realize how much I really and truly miss him when he's not around. All I can say is I truly am blessed to have someone that I am able to share so much of myself with and have him share a great deal of himself back. I am a extremely lucky person and I know this. I cannot wait until Friday when I get to see him again and we exchange Christmas gifts. I'm really excited to give him his present but most of all just to spend time with him in general. I am very thankful to have someone this special in my life.

Anyways, being in a rather melodramatic mood as Christmas comes to an end I am glad that my family and I have made it through the first Christmas without him together and strong. Although it is sad I know that he is watching over us and playing funny jokes on us all the time from up there. (I know that was you on Steph's radio... I think maybe you were the one that farted.)

Merry Christmas.

I love coming home because I can be with my family and they are my world. I even sometimes enjoy hanging out with my home friends. However, I have just about had enough of Woburn. I can't wait until my family and I can live somewhere else. I'm so sick of it here... too many people hang around here and don't progress in life and its really quite sad. I don't understand why people don't strive for accomplishment.

I've decided I am going to attempt to start writing in here again. I am also going to attempt to delete all really old entries. This idea began today when I was reading a journal of Shawn's. It had a lot of great words and theories on life that inspired me to begin writing again. I, however, wish to delete most of the entries from the past because looking back on them I wrote about a whole lot of uselessness such as what I had done and what boy I was interested in that day. Reading back on the entries I feel as if I am portrayed as an unintelligent, indecisive teenager. Being older and I'd like to say wiser now, I wish to show and express deeper concerns and feelings than before.

Today is Thanksgiving and I'll have to admit I do not care too much about this holiday. I believe it stems off a bunch of inaccurately portrayed stories and although I do have things to be thankful for, I find this holiday to be rather pointless. Basically, Thanksgiving is an excuse to eat insane amounts of food... end of story.

I spent much of today finally living up to the fact that my big brother is gone for good. Although we were extremely close I feel as if I am only just now finding out so many things about the person he was. Of course they are all very impressive and positive qualities. At first when I began to go rummage through some of the things in his room I felt as though I was invading his privacy, even though he is not here to say so. After a few months of trying to cope with this great loss I have found a new interest in the situation. I have become extremely determined and interested in learning more and more about him. So far I've realized a lot that I may or may not have realized when he was here with us. In one of his journals he states "I now realize that this life is not permanent, or individual. I realize that this life or rather it’s death will make way for a new cycle of life and death. Realizing this it seems as though life, despite its frailty, is strong." Upon reading this, all I could think of is how true it was... and how despite the fact that one may not want to continue in one's life journey after losing a loved one, it is completely and utterly necessary. If one does not go on with life one is are only given up that precious life. Without a doubt, this is something your loved one would most definitely not want you to do, regardless of the situation.

I could say so many things pertaining to the person Shawn really was and how much that was unknown about him but as for right now I want to focus on one special realization that I made today... (I will most likely write more solely about Shawn in a later entry)

Upon reading a journal of Shawn's that was recently found I made an extremely strong connection between Shawn's thought processes and beliefs in relation to my boyfriend's. Having known my bf 2 years before actually beginning to date him and having read quite a few entries of his 'deadjournal' I am confident in saying that I am aware of some of the different ways in which he processes his thoughts and beliefs. Reading Shawn's journal made me realize that the in some circumstances the two are one in the same. One line from Shawn's journal in particular that reminded me of my bf was this: "I hope that I can project some of this insight in others if only by strengthening my presence." This greatly correlated the two in the fact that they both constantly strive to bring insight and new thought processes to others, however, not in the direct sense like the vast majority of the public would.

My bf often talks about not having cried since he was very young. In this sense I really can only remember once or twice in my entire life that I had seen Shawn cry. These small cries I've witnessed were mainly out of sheer frustration with his cancer and what was happening to his previously happy and successful life. In his journal he writes, "I’m actually quite sad… if I could cry for these things I’m sure I would be in tears at this very moment." This shows his true strength and almost a numbness to certain ways of dealing with emotion, most likely caused by his environmental factors, and tough childhood circumstances.

One other portion to relate the two are in this statement: Shawn writes, "The fact that I am not quite the flirtation type complicates matters as women are often unaware of my attraction to them."

I'm not really sure if it was the fact that I was reading my deceased brother's journal, the fact that I am finding more and more reasons to love my current bf every day, the fact that I am comparing my beloved and dearly missed brother to my current love, or a combination of all of the above, but I found myself in uncontrollable tears. Maybe this is why this man came into my life the time and way that he did... or maybe it's all mere coincidence. I do not wish these thoughts to put any pressure on the man of whom I love. I wish to make it clear that although he resembles my brother in some distinct ways, I will never compare or wish anyone to be exactly like my brother, for he was one of his own and special and unique to me. I would never want anyone to replace him. Although I cannot be sure of the reasons for my crying, I do contain a general good feeling in the fact that I am always able to find a piece of my brother in everyone and everything, everywhere I go. I do believe he's watching over me, and helping my life play out the way it is supposed to.

I'll leave this entry with a few song lyrics:

When I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
and you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
and I can always find my way
when you are here.

*Love and Miss you Shawn

Happy Thanksgiving...

i am nervous for this year...
junior year of college starts tomorrow.

I miss you Shawn.

Looking at you,
Holding my breath,
For once in my life
I'm scared to death,
I'm taking a chance,
Letting you inside.

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever.

Life has changed so drastically lately. My older brother, Shawn, passed away about two weeks ago. I am deeply saddened and at a loss of words. I feel like something is missing in life without him around. He has taught me so much and the more I find out about him the more and more proud I am to have been his little sister. He has taught me so much about life and everything that's happened lately has completely changed my outlook on life.

With all that's happened, everything is changing. I am now in a relationship with a great friend of whom I would have never imagined dating. It all seems crazy in my mind but he makes me the happiest I've been in quite a while. He seems to have walked into my life at the perfect time. It is unlike anything I've ever imagined. It's a very different kind of relationship for me. I can't seem to help but think that I've definitely got something good going on here with this.

On top of that I chopped off about 6 inches of my hair. I have reasoning behind it... I was growing my hair out for Shawn's wedding in september and therefore it made me sad to look at and think about. I am also getting a tattoo soon. I designed the tattoo one night when thinking about Shawn. There has been some debate between people as to whether or not I should go through with it but I've decided on my own that it is something I want to do and I'm going to go through with it. I'm also getting rid of minivan soon. I'm upgrading to Mercury Mystique but even still saying goodbye to minivan will be hard.

Anyways that's all for now I guess...

so yea i havent written in this thing in forever... really. i'm sure no ones gonna read it at all and i dont really care i just feel like writing about things. so i realized that the last time i wrote i was ranting on about how wonderful sam was... well to sum it up he broke up with me like a couple weeks before valentines day back in february. lol. anyways yea it sucked but i'm over it and we are really good friends still which is definitely cool. now that i'm outta that relationship i realize how unperfect it really was. So there was a lot of stuff after that however towards the last few months of school i realized my dream come true. i had been friends with him for quite some time and somehow things just ended up evolving from there, and i have to say they are so amazing. I've been going out with matt for about 3 months and as crazy as it sounds i know he is the one i want to spend the rest of my life with.

so first year of college=done. so many good times and memories... so much changed from the beginning of the year to the end but in the end i came out with some of the greatest friends that i will probably be friends with for the rest of my life. College opened up a whole new world for me and i absolutely love every second of it. Every crazy experience... its basically just my time to start over and break free... live life to the fullest even if it means doing stupid things every once in a while lol. so yea college is great and i cant wait to start my sophomore year.

this summer: really not so great at all. its been rough. to start it off i'm taking a class at middlesex community college so i can have a lessened course load in the fall back at westfield... the class i'm taking right now is anatomy and physiology II and its really tough... plus its a whole semester class with labs crammed into one month so its ridiculously initense and a lot of work. Also I have two jobs. One job i dont like barely at all but it pays pretty well. I work at a warehouse where i do ridiculously simple yet physically barring things and needless to say it wears me out. My other job is pretty amazing because i'm working as a physical therapist aide at a physical therapy clinic. It's really fun and i even get to work with people such as professional baseball players who had surgery and things like that so its really sweet. But to the bad part... i lost my grandfather about a month ago when he passed away. He was 86 but i was really close to him. He had moved in with us about 5 months ago so he had even been living with us and everything. So yea that was a pretty awful experience and i miss him so much. Two weeks later a very good friend of mine who i've been friends with my entire life since i was little. Someone who i grew up with... passed away. I've never been so upset about something in my life. I couldnt control my crying and excessive sobbing. It was awful. I miss her so much every day and really look up to her because she was one of the most amazing people i've ever met.

okay, so not upsetting myself too much (cuz i'm actually pretty all right right now)i'm gonna write about some good things i did do this summer. I've made a coupel trips up to my friends house in plymouth, nh and those trips were amazing and with all my school friends and of course my bf, matt. We are part of the same big group of friends so its really cool. But yea those trips were so fun and those friends have just really been there for me so much lately even though most of them live really far away. I mean, even matt lives about an hour away from me. Sometimes i wonder how i'm dealing with a long distance relationship but honestly i am just so in love with him, as is he with me, that everything just seems to work. I made a couple othere trips to visit other friends and have hung out with some woburn people a little bit but not much. Mostly i've hung out with nicole and dennis and thats it for woburn... idk theres just not enough time to hang out with everyone i want to with work and class and everything... plus i just felt like basically its time to move on and focus on the real friends that have and always will be there for me. Not the ones that choose to be there for me when its convenient for them.

But yea this weekend was pretty amazing. Went to rockport with nicole and dennis friday night and that was really cute and fun. It was such a beautiful night. Then yesterday matt came down and we spent the day together swimming and just being together. We watched movies, went out to dinner, talked about everything and everything and even had some late night swimming and laying outside looking at the stars. Every time we're together everything just seems so magical. When we first started going out i was really skeptical about everything with us but as we've been together officially for about 3 months now but really we dated a lot more than that before we were officially together... every day i'm with him i realize more and more how real and amazing this really is. He's not perfect, but neither am I, however one thing i'm sure about is that we are perfect for each other. Anyways today went to my brothers house in nh with my family and brought matt too. It was really nice, had a nice country breakfast, played some video games, and went to a pond where we swam and canoed. It was a good time.

Basically I am just so in love with Matt. He's been there for me through so much lately and he always manages to put a smile on my face. I cant even explain how amazing it feels to finally have something going right and being happoyp in my life. My life is not easy as no ones really is, however, i just feel like i've been faced with so many awful things that a normal person doesnt. It's really a sense of relief and the greatest feeling to have someone who loves you so much and treats you amazingly. He's just perfect in every way, and i love him so much. He really means the world to me.

anyways, i guess that is my rant. basically i dont expect anyone to read this or even know i have a livejournal anymore lol. but w/e this is for me to go back and read things over because sometimes i get really down with hard times and need something to remind me of the amazing things in my life. byee.

So its the day afta christmas now and last time i wrote was the day before i moved in at westfield. A lot has happened that i'm not really going to go on about. To sum it up, I love it at westfield, i've made so many good friends, and I now have a bf that i met there (i'll get into that later). So my brother is on the long road to a hopeful recovery. He's pretty much healed from the massive surgery he had but he's going through very intense chemotherapy so he's sick a lot and has lost a ton of weight. I came home for winter break on tuesday night and yesterday was christmas. It was probably one of the best christmas' ever...
Christmas eve was amazing as always with our family/friends xmas eve party. My gymnastics coach dan came over with his family and that was amazing to see him cuz he's like a second father to me. He said he would take me rock climbing sometime before i go back to school (cuz now i'm not really doing any sports but i rock climb three times a week at school). It was awesome hanging out with all the family and my brother and his wife and stuff. I got about two hours of sleep xmas eve into xmas haha. o well though it was all worth it. We all went outta control with the presents spending all the money we dont have. It was good though. I got the rock climbing shoes that i wanted and my parents got me blue man group tickets for this thursday so i'm psyched about that. i got a lot of other cool stuff too. Mostly xmas was just awesome cuz shawn was having a good day and was willing and wanted to hang out with everyone. it made me really happy to see that he was enjoying himself.
So as for friends i havent seen many of them in quite some time. I hung out with nicole and a few people this week, but mostly just nicole. We had a nicole christmas on xmas eve eve and that was awesome... we literally talked for about 5 hours straight and didnt even realize it. it was very much needed considering we really dont get to talk while we're at school. she is my best friend in the world.
And yea... i have a bf now. His name is sam and he is amazing. I met him at school towards the beginning of the year. It's funny cuz i wasnt looking for any kind of relationship at all and then he came along and i just couldnt pass it up. We've been going out since october 1st. He's from beverly so only about 20-25 minutes away from where i live. I really dont get to see him when we go home but tomorrow i'm goign to spend the day with him so we can exchange xmas presents and stuff. It's kinda hard goingi from seeing him every day to not seeing and barely talking to him at all but it's kinda good in a way because we both have our friends and family back home that we wanna spend time with. I miss him tons but I will get to see him soon.
So first semester of college down, only like 7 semesters left till the end lol... even though it'll probably end up being more for masters or w/e. I'm really excited for the rest of the break cuz i got a lot planned. tomorrow going to spend the day with sam, sometime this week or next going rock climbing with my old coach dan, thursday is blue man group (and i'm taking nicole with me), and then i'm going on a rock climbing trip with some of my school friends, and then a snow tubing trip to amesbury with more of my school friends. So yep... i'm excited and really happy with all the friends i've made, and really happy to be home for a while. I'll be around till january 16th when i have to go back out to western mass.
So i figured i'd update the journal and now that i've done that we'll see if i do it again any time soon. If you are actually reading this let me know by leaving a comment cuz if people read it then i will update it as a way of keeping in touch. until then thats all for now. byee

moving in tomorrow to westfield and i'm so nervous and having a breakdown right now. My last night in the wu and i didnt even go and say bye to my friends. I was with my family tho and that is more important right now. i was so excited yesterday shawn came home from the hospital finally and i was finally able to be excited for college... that lasted a good few hours until he was rushed to the hospital again last night. Yeaa... so really not the best of times right now. Only slept about an hour last night if that so i'm absolutely exhausted. Today spent the entire day packing and cleaning my room and cleaning the house and making sure everything is squared away before i go. I hate leaving my family at a time like this but they all keep telling me they all are proud i'm going to college and to have fun. its so hard tho. Went to the hospital and got to visit shawn tonight... had to say goodbye. i'll tell ya you think sayingi goodbye to your best friends is hard when leaving for college, but you have no idea what its like to say bye to your older brother whose in the hospital and in so much pain. Like knowing that you're going to be far away from him for quite a while and if anything happens theres nothing you can do about it. Yup definitely completely hit me tonight. I didnt cry in front of him but once i left the room the tears came flowing out. I really wish i could just push back collee for a while but its too late now i'm going and i have no other choice.

so after the hospital hung out with my parents, marc, bill and steph for a while cuz they came down to visit shawn today too. luckily my bday is coming up in two weeks so i'll be coming home the weekend after my bday from college, so i guess all i have to do is make it through two weeks. i'm not worried about making friends and having a good time really, my real problem is worrying about shawn and the rest of my family. its been really rough lately.

managed to get what i thought was a ridiculous amount of stuff packed into the mini van and ready to go. kim stopped by the house tonight and that was really nice. it was really nice of her... o and i forget to mention this morning... even tho everything was so hectic i managed to go see ronan before he left. I had handpainted a box for him and put a bunch of little things in it and gave it to him this morning, and i was glad that he really liked it a lot. he is adorable. he made me a collage poster with pictures of me and him and pictures of random things i'm interested in like patrick starfish and llamas. it was really sweet and thoughtful. he also wrote me a letter that i saved till i got home to read and it was so sweet it made me cry. i'm really missing him all ready and it hasnt even been a day. i hate that its horrible timing too but i really like him. like we've been really close friends for 4 years but lately i've really been starting to like him. bad timing cuz of college and everything... i think i'll be better off single in college anyways and at least this way i know i'll have an incredible friend to come back to.

really missing my nicole a lot too. i miss everyone pretty much... i think i had a pretty good week of sendoffs tho. i went out to lunch, the park, and to mike yaks' house with him... i had a night with mike f watching movies and talkin bout when we were little, and i had a good night with nicole before she left too... and then last night had a good night with ronan part of the night walked up the mountain, and then met up with john and archit and chilled went around woburn taking cool pics... i'm really going to miss it here. i love woburn so much.

anyways i'm going to stop rambling and now i feel a little better... maybe i'll update tomorrow at some point once i'm settled and moved in. goodnight